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Socially. Awkward. Penguin. posted at 8:12 PM


We haven't seen each other in quite a long time. Both literally and figuratively speaking. I'm having the time of my life now (not!) being a pupil in chamber--meeting new people and all that shat.

Being a pupil in chamber is a thing, while the other is meeting new people and expanding your endless horizon of cliques and networks. Oh, such dread. Inasmuch that I didn't consider myself as a shy person, I'm definitely, most obviously, straight-at-the-dot: an introvert.

(c) Grant Snider.

My introvert-ness often causes confusion though. Most people think I'm a disdainful prick who appears to conduct herself snobbishly. I got that a lot from people. I'm so so so sooooorrry if I ever offend anybody, but it's just that I'm not good with people.
Well, I lied. Actually, I'M NOT GOOD AT ALL with people.

I tried hard (very HARD) to shake off all the nerves and anxiety whenever I found myself in a group of amiable people--but my attempts just fizzled. I do attempt to start the conversation, or play along with stale jokes just for the sake of not wanting to hurt anybody's feelings, or try to mingle in social gathering but--no. Flatly saying, every try didn't work out. I ended up making myself silly and confuse the other party. I received stares and gawks since I am so awkward. That makes me more depressed. It actually makes me feeling like digging a hole and bury myself until the party finishes.

That happened for quite sometime before I realized that I could never change this fact. I could never dive into a denial mode. But don't get me wrong. I never hate the fact that I am an introvert. I enjoy it, even. I love being myself (you have the liberty call me The Vain) and I don't mind spending 500 minutes alone distancing myself from people. 

But I do get envious with others who seemed to easily meet and greet new people as if it is normal. When you caught yourself entangled in Malaysian legal industry, you have to hold a friendly reputation. It's suicidal to give a cold vibe or a taut image. Both my boss my seniors are able to get friendly with other people in a click--such ease. I found it hard to follow the example, especially this kind.

I love working alone, and I hate interruption. The sound of people irks me. I find it extremely exhausting to deal with others, especially extroverts--they're supremely annoying. Parties are a burden. Partaking in small talks is a pain in the butt; honestly speaking. 

I wonder if there are any ways (not remedies) for me to adjust myself in this legal fraternity without masking myself with a fake smile. Can I be myself and greet people normally? Be more adventurous and meet new people sans the nerve-wrecking anxiety that almost kill me every time I tried to step outside the bubble?

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I go by pseudonyms. Secretive much? Not so much.
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